• Food for thought •
I've been struggling with my relationship with food lately. I take that back - I always have... But very much so this week. •
This picture represents the start of many years of disordered eating. My freshman year of highschool, our dance coach called me fat to my face. This coach was probably bigger than I was at my heaviest - but she wasn't the one out there dancing. I was light on my feet, my kicks were high, my flexibility on point, but I was fat. This wasn't the first time a dance coach/teacher made mention of my body. About 4 years prior, my ballet teacher told me that ballet dancers don't have breasts. Obviously that meant I wasn't a ballet dancer...... 😒
After my coach called me fat, I began restricting calories to a dangerous level. I'd hide during lunch so no one would question if I ate that day. Senior year I transferred schools and we had to eat lunch in a small room with our entire high school. There was no way to get away with skipping lunch every day so I began purging. I was eventually caught and my parents were told... So off to therapy I go. I remember my parents calling me when I went off to college to make sure I ate that day. •
Fast forward a few years enter an abusive boyfriend and clearly my disordered eating did a 180... I gained about 60 pounds in the three years I was with him and never fully got it back off. •
A year and a half ago, I initiated visits with a therapist that specializes in eating disorders as a result of trauma. I'm very in tune with where I am mentally when it comes to my eating - but I still don't have it all under control. There are times I will restrict far too much and I have to snap myself out of it... Then times I can't stop myself from stuffing my face. I recognize when I'm in that space but I still have a hard time finding a balance between the two. I've found that since I cut out meat, I am less likely to binge; However, I find I do restrict a bit too much at times. It's a daily struggle but one I'm dedicated to working on so they this journey is a healthy one.