The pediatrician stopped in the middle of her exam to tell me how impressed she was by how I was parenting my children.
Holding back the tears that had unexpectedly welled up in my eyes in response, I laughed awkwardly and said "oh, thank you... we are just all doing our best." She said again, "really Malory, you are doing a wonderful job" and then went on with her exam.
I hadn't realized how dominate my own inner critic had become... I had been experiencing myself and my life through the "you are doing it all wrong, Malory" filter.
It took the sincere and kind words of affirmation from a doctor to even consider the possibility that maybe I wasn't doing it all wrong... that I wasn't wrong.
Something shifted for me in that moment. It was as if a switch was flipped, illuminating things I couldn't see before. More awake, and aware, I could suddenly witness how this pressure to be right and do it all right was stifling me and holding me back from being who I knew I could really be.
My role as a mother to a child with a rare disease and complex health history has challenged me in ways I could never have anticipated. The invitation to let go of how I think things are "supposed to be" is constant. It requires kindness, self compassion and forgiveness as I am easily swept into 'doing mode', desperate to control, manage, protect and "do it right". The journey is one of remembering that it isn't a matter of knowing what to do, but rather remembering HOW TO BE... interestingly enough, when I am able to drop in and truly be alive in my own life, the answers and the way forward always presents itself.