It’s been 10 months. If you’ve followed my story from the beginning— I’m with you— I can’t believe it either, and I’m already having some mixed emotions about this upcoming April 13th. But it’s been 10 months of making big and small decisions. 10 months of purging years of negative weight that another human can dump on you and make you think is yours to carry. 10 months of figuring out who I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going, & what I’m looking for. 10 months of searching God, praying, and crying out for answers. 10 months of wrestling with hate, anger, and forgiveness. 10 months of being absolutely terrified to be happy for longer than a moment, because anxiety tells me that joy will eventually be ripped away. •
But my friends, fear is a liar.
Anxiety is a liar.
Manipulation is a liar.
Negativity is a liar.
Depression is a liar.
This past month has been a breakthrough.
I’m happy (I still wince when I say it to myself because I feel that the Earth might implode into a black hole, but thankfully that hasn’t happened yet). I’ve found joy in the ordinary. I’ve found a love and respect for myself that I’ve never had before. I feel known, not by any man, but by my Heavenly Father. I’ve shed the weight of a person who buried me with his own issues and insecurities. That doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days anymore, it doesn’t mean I don’t still randomly cry because of the memories that haunt me. But there was a time when I believed the fear, when I thought I’d never genuinely laugh or smile, or be myself again. Yet here I am. Standing on my own two feet, better than before. I’ve aimed to be a “light” since the beginning of my story, but now I can confidently say that I’m seeing the “light” at the end of this long, dark tunnel. Best of all— I’ve realized that I’ve never been who he said I was, but I am who He says I am.